Best Friends : Where Are They?

Hey guys! First of all, thank you all for the comments. I’m feeling way better and it’s because of you.

The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing… not healing, not curing… that is a friend who cares. – Henri Nouwen

You know, friends should be people, who get you through this kind of things, but for the first time I felt like I had none. For two days I was at home, totally alone, depressed and none of them called me or texted me. I felt really lonely for the first time in my life.

I know I have made mistakes, but whenever they feel down, I try to be funny and with them. We have kinda relationship that includes coming to my home without calling and so on. But now I had to beg them to come? Why should I do that?

For the first time I was so depressed that I couldn’t go out for a walk (I love walking) and I needed them, but… I haven’t seen them since Saturday. Maybe I should return the favour? Nah, I’m not that kind of friend. The only thing that I know for sure, I want be the same with them. I feel betrayed.

It felt like you were my best friends with your great suggestions and my ex-boyfriend, who listened to me whining about another boy.

I don’t know how my life turned to this mess, but I hope for the best. Maybe I will be a great loner… Hmm.. I guess I have to think about this seriously.

I would like you to comment about your best friends and where are they, when you are in dark place.


Pathetic Teenager

Two posts in one day. Woohoo. Can’t believe!

But really, the dark moments can make you do crazy stuff. For example, talking to your (ex?) boyfriend, but not in dialogue way. I thought I was talking to myself and soon he gave me the answer  that I wasn’t looking for – “leave me alone”.

I know that he needs some space after the shocking thing that I have said, when I was WASTED, but I can’t deal with him being mad at me. I don’t know what got into me that night. How could I call him another boy’s name?! For the first time in my life I know how I feel about anyone. I know that I only want my boyfriend, but I can’t forgive myself this fact. Do I have feelings towards the other guy??? No! That can’t be it! The reality is that my boyfriend is mad at me and I can’t make him talk to me or see me in order to explain everything. Also, I need to know the whole night! Why was my cigarette pack in the bin? How did I fall asleep? Or what he did do after the shameful “accident”?

It’s been two days and I can’t think about anything else. I can’t even eat. What do I do? I’ll give you an answer – I’m in the bed, “watching” TV shows and I smoke too much.

Do I sound pathetic? Yeah, I know I do, so, don’t tell me otherwise.

The only thing that I can do is wait for the time to pass and then talk to him. Maybe a week? But I don’t want him to think too much.

Impossible Thing – Crying

I’m back and I’m in dark side.

Two days ago I was so wasted that I said something to my boyfriend that I can’t even remember.

He wouldn’t talk to me. I told him that I’m sorry hundreds time and explained my feelings towards him. I said that I loved him for the first time and I don’t feel ashamed of it. He needs to know how I feel now!

I can’t really say what I told him when I was drunk, because it is too embarrassing.

Now I am shaking, I think that is because I can’t cry, but I really feel like crying.

Shit! I really need him in my life and I can’t even think what it would be like if he stays mad.

Now I swear – I won’t drink and I won’t flirt with other boys. The thing that I thought was nothing became huge. These mistakes can’t be made again. I should be new me. I should do something to let him know that I only want him and IT was the biggest mistake I have ever made.

So, if you have any ideas how to make him believe me, please please please let me now. I really need more advise right now.

I think I will be back shortly.

Too Much Space for HIM

I have already written that I don’t like serious relationships. I’m not good at it and I usually get scared. But these don’t mean that I don’t want to share anything with a man I’m with.

I’m a good listener and I adore talking to my special person. I ask questions and I love listening to the answers, not because I’m a control freak. I just want to share everything with that person.

It’s hard to be waiting for an approval to talk to your special person or see him.

It’s hard not to have ability to talk to him, when you actually need him.

It’s hard to be shut down, when you say “we have to talk”, despite the fact that it is too painful for you. You tell that too and he shuts you down again and again and again…

I needed that talk, I had to speak up about my feelings for once in my life and he shut me up. I’m pissed off. I can’t take this anymore. I did this for months now and what do I get. Not even a 5 minute talk. I made a mistake, when I thought that it would have been a lifetime mistake to break up with him and gave him his space, which was too big, but still I couldn’t get there.

That’s fine. Everything’s fine. I took this once, I can take this now too.

And for reading this, I have to share my favourite song with you ^_^

Thank You/მადლობა

“God gave you a gift of 84,600 seconds today. Have you used one of them to say thank you?”  -William Arthur Ward

I always say thank you to people that do anything for me, doesn’t matter if I pay them or not. I mean, I say thank you to bus driver who gives me change, a taxi driver, seller and etc. That’s how I was raised. I say thank you whenever my grandma makes me a cup of coffee or something to eat.

Today I’m mad at my ex-friend. Whenever she asks me something, I try to do it, despite the fact that she is the reason why we aren’t friends now.

Is it hard to say thank you when someone translates whole article for you?

Is it hard to say thank you when someone writes an article for your finals?

Is it hard to say thank you when someone gives you skis?

I don’t think so. I mean, you are the one who makes fun of me behind my back and I am the one who still loves you as a person. Why wouldn’t you do the least that you can do?

Maybe I’m overreacting, but it is hard for me to overcome the anger. Maybe this is because of our history as a friends.

I know that everyone is raised differently, but we should all know the basic manners like saying thank you,when a person does a good thing for you.

Dream a Little Dream of Me

I’m a little vulnerable when it comes to my dreams. They usually come to life or just make me see things differently.

I remember a horrible dream from childhood. I was only 6 and saw how my father died by strange people with black hoodies. I remember how I felt when I woke up and searched for my father all over the house. Luckily, he was well and sleeping.

That’s funny, but I have been watching Supernatural for years and never liked Sam, until he was in my dream. Now I like him as a character in a TV show and I don’t regret my opinion. 😀

Today I dreamt about a boy, who is kinda my friend and it was weird seeing him as a sexy young man. I have never looked at him that way, especially now, when I’m in a relationship with someone else. I’m thinking about him since this morning and can’t forget my dream. And he isn’t even in Georgia.

I’m just blabbing now, but dreams tend to be important for me. As I wrote in the first paragraph, my views change when I see a dream. Maybe I thought about him secretly and blocked it in my mind and that’s why he was in my dreams.

I understand now where a little flirting can get us – in the weird dreams, where you are not with your boyfriend, but with another “friend”.